


Liz's List of Rules

by SugarsweetRomantic



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Attempt at Humor, Everyone Is Alive, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Not To Be Taken Too Seriously, basically everyone - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-09 08:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11665377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarsweetRomantic/pseuds/SugarsweetRomantic
Summary: Because apparently everyone is missing common sense, a list of rules for the people at Wentworth.





	1. Introduction

This is a list of rules created by Liz Birdsworth with permission of Governor Bennett and top dog Kaz Proctor, because we apparently need them. 

  1. Even though these rules are generally directed at inmates, it is advised that prison personnel abide by them too for the sake of their own safety and sanity.
  2. Please do not attempt to cause any more rules to be created on purpose, as we already have way too many of them.
  3. These rules are not a to-do list.
  4. If something is not prohibited per this list, it does not mean that it is necessarily a good idea.
  5. At least read them once, okay? That's all we ask.




	2. On personal items

  1. Do not ever take Boomer’s snacks. It doesn't matter that she's hoarding them, Nurse Radcliffe is getting very tired of patching you back up.
  2. In that same category, do not ever steal Mister Stewart’s “number one officer” coffee mug again. We're looking at you, Miss Miles. He gets very upset.
  3. No telling the new prisoners all property is communal property. Miss Westfall was not appointed to console scared young girls whose personal belongings have been confiscated. 
  4. Whoever keeps serving Joan Ferguson’s food in pencil-shaped servings, please stop. The next person who does is responsible for cleaning the mess off of the wall.
  5. If you value your life, do not touch Franky’s books. The only exception to this rule is Miss Westfall. 
  6. If your clothing gets damaged, please just go get a new item. Wrapping a sheet around your body does not qualify as suitable clothing.
  7. If you damage anything of Bea’s, she has the full right to dye your hair any colour she deems fit.
  8. We do not allow pets. That includes ladybugs and flies, and locking the new guard in the slot. She was stuck there for four hours before anyone realised what had happened, Mister Stewart and Miss Miles.
  9. Please do not dare Boomer to see whether she can break (...). The answer is always: yes.
  10. The dog squad is not there to find your lost lunch, Miss McCartney. 




	3. On intra-institutional relationships

  1. Suggesting Misters Stewart and Jackson are in a same-sex relationship will from henceforth land you in the slot for twelve hours. No exceptions.
  2. In response to the above rule, Miss Miles will be allowed out of solitary confinement when her shift ends. 
  3. If you want to have sex, please don't do it in the kitchen.
  4. Fine, just don't do it on the countertops. Everyone’s food is prepared on those!
  5. We all solemnly swear to forget the [Doyle-Westfall storage closet incident](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103343).
  6. Do not call it the Fidgeting Fridget incident. Please. It is not Franky who you have to fear. She will punch you and get it out of her system. The wrath of Bridget Westfall is much scarier, trust Mister Stewart.
  7. Wait at least a week before trying to get the new inmates to sleep with you.
  8. “Are you gay?” is not an acceptable way to introduce yourself to new inmates or personnel. 
  9. Whoever put up the “this prison has gone … days without public sex”, please take it down. There's no point anyway.
  10. Suggesting Governor Bennett and Joan Ferguson are in a relationship will put you at risk of getting a pencil jammed in your arm, and Nurse Radcliffe will not take it out for you.




	4. On hobbies and pastimes

  1. The only two people allowed to keep track of the basketball scores are appointed through a democratic voting process. They currently are Sonia Stevens and Miss Westfall.
  2. Linda Miles is not allowed anywhere near the pool table. 
  3. Following Mister Jackson around the prison while humming the Mission: Impossible theme is no longer allowed, though he has mentioned he can handle the The Pink Panther theme.
  4. Please do not use your phone time for prank calls.
  5. If you must hold paper plane contests, please do so outside. Governor Bennett did not appreciate getting one in her eye.
  6. Training for the wife-carrying championships is henceforth forbidden. Governor Bennett has said she would look into a prison-wife-carrying contest. 
  7. DIY is a D-I-Don’t. This is prison property.
  8. Play chess with Joan Ferguson at your own risk.
  9. Win board games playing against Boomer at your own risk. Kim Chang still has a headache from getting the Monopoly board thrown against her temple.
  10. People-watching is not a thing. Not here. It makes everyone uncomfortable. 




	5. On holidays and religion

  1. Decorating the bars at Christmas is allowed. Decorating them on birthdays is allowed. Using toilet paper to decorate them, however, is not.
  2. Valentine’s cards will no longer be delivered by prison staff. They have better things to do. Also, Mister Stewart got too many paper cuts last year.
  3. We understand that you want Christmas barbecues. Please don’t start fires in the yard for them.
  4. We will allow three chants of “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi” per hour during the Olympics. Number four gets slotted. No exceptions.
  5. In response to the above rule: Mister Jackson will no longer be on duty near televisions when there is footy on.
  6. Fireworks are not allowed at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Where did you even get those things? You scared the heck out of the poor substitute guard.
  7. We are aware that we are obliged to allow you to observe Pastafarianism. We, however, beg you not to take the colanders from the kitchen. We need those things.
  8. We don’t care whether you’re a Jehovah’s Witness: you will not go cell to cell to try and convert people. You may leave your leaflets in the library.
  9. All I’m going to say on this one is: a chapel is a place of worship. But not that kind of worshipping.
  10. We don’t know how you got them in here, but next year, please no live animals in the nativity scene.




	6. On personal hygiene

  1. Please take a shower at least once a week.
  2. Please take a proper shower at least once a week. A proper shower is one that takes at least five minutes.
  3. Please do not wash pets in the showers without warning everyone else first. First of all: how did you even get a dog in here? Second of all: Miss McCartney nearly had a coronary when it came running around the corner and shook all of the water onto her legs. Dry Cleaning wasn’t impressed either.
  4. Do not throw tampons at Mister Stewart to make him go away. We all know it works. Just..don’t. We’re short on guards as it is.
  5. No stealing clothing from other inmates in the showers. Whoever stole Boomer’s good-luck-socks, please give them back.




	7. On hobbies and pastimes - part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I uploaded two chapters only seconds apart - make sure you've read chapter 6 - on personal hygiene - first!

  1. Monopoly was banned under Governor Jackson’s regulations. That rule is still in effect. No one wants to see what happens when Miss Miles gets Boardwalk.
  2. Scrabble is also still banned.
  3. Governor Jackson’s rule – “Cards Against Humanity is banned” – has been lifted at the request of Franky Doyle.
  4. Cards Against Humanity is now banned. Again. Lord, Kim Chang, what is WRONG with you?
  5. All inmates just lost The Game.




	8. On dares and challenges

  1. Should you ever triple dog dare anyone to do anything, you will be held just as accountable for the resulting consequences.
  2. ‘[Inmate name] dared me’ is not a valid excuse.
  3. The closed-circuit TV cameras are of extremely good quality. We can clearly see who you are and who or what you are doing in the corridors.
  4. That last rule was not to be taken as encouragement.
  5. No cook-offs. As good as the results are, the mess is unbearable.
  6. Boomer will no longer be allowed to cook after the infamous Pavlova Incident.
  7. Prank wars should be kept to the level that avoids property damage.
  8. Never do anything you don’t want to have to explain to Governor Bennett.
  9. Volleyball competitions are not to be held inside, for God's sake.
  10. What Boomer, Allie or Miss Miles consider a good idea is not necessarily a good idea in the eyes of everyone else.




	9. On hobbies and pastimes - part three

  1. Nobody is allowed to do anything that has to do with Doreen's garden without asking it first.
  2. Allie, Bea and Tina, stop trying to kill Joan Ferguson by growing poisonous plants.
  3. I'm done. Nobody is allowed to grow plants outside of the garden, even if you buy your own supplies.
  4. Mister Stewart is not Wentworth's Number One Arse-Kicker. Stop telling the new staff that.
  5. Whoever is replacing random objects with adult toys needs to stop.
  6. Whoever stole Bea’s hair dye, return it. It's for your own good.
  7. The ventilation system isn't meant to host games of Extreme Hide and Seek (or sex, lunch, or escaping Miss Westfall's wrath). Also, someone got stuck in there and it cost way too many resources to get her out.
  8. After what happened to Jess, Boomer is no longer allowed to bring her own popcorn to movie night.
  9. Making fun of Nurse Radcliffe's eyebrows is advised against. You know what will happen if you do.
  10. After last nights devastation, I am banning myself from participating in rap battles. I roasted Mister Stewart badly, and now I'm worried he's going to retaliate.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this even still funny? Oh well. ;)


	10. On current inmates

  1. "It makes ___ happy" is not an excuse to completely ignore these rules. Or to send half of Wentworth to the infirmary. We like you happy, but we like you alive and well better. Plus, they're about to pull our unlimited medical budget if we don't improve. 
  2. The foreign-language club is fine, but please stop teaching Boomer and Sophie just swear words.
  3. You all know how scary Miss Westfall is when she's angered, and you all know how scary Governor Bennett is when she's angered. Whoever the utter _genius_ is to have targeted both of them with that glue-and-feathers prank: I fear for your life.
  4. It's recommended to not startle Boomer early in the morning, even if she's standing upright, as she usually isn't fully awake. She tends to chuck whatever food she's currently holding at the sound,
  5. No more toothbrush archery competitions in the yard. Tina has surprisingly good aim, and you've sent yet another batch of traumatised new women to Miss Westfall.
  6. In response to the above, Nurse Radcliffe stands by her right to refuse to treat any inmates and has stated that "there is half a first-aid kit and a box of protein bars for anyone who contributes to this [censored]."
  7. Don't serve oats for breakfast. They're disgusting.
  8. Don't...do...things.
  9. Try to...
  10. …
  11. …
  12. …
  13. ...
  14. Be kind.
  15. All my love, Liz.



 

_ Confiscated from Inmate 66051652 “Elizabeth Birdsworth” upon referral to geriatric observation unit, to be destroyed. Reclaimed by Governor Vera Bennett. Reason for salvation request: “The women will want to have a piece of her to remember.” Request granted. Copy archived. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my love, Belle.


End file.
